Kabutar Konundrums

No, I’m not a K-serial addict.


Yes, I know conundrum is spelt with a ‘C’.


Yeah, yeah, yeah..... I used a ‘K’ coz I felt like it.... Fine???


But I digress…back to the ko....errr....conundrums.


I swear I used to be this nice, gentle, more-peaceful-than-the-Buddha type....compared to Phoolan Devi at least. But Mumbai’s changed all that. The villain here is the pigeon a.k.a. the kabutar.


Oh you know them……remember that standard movie scene, where the grey birdies fly away as the camera zooms in on the Gateway of India?? They’re the ones. Yep….. you see them right before the camera moves on to Marine Drive.


Ok, that’s enough of SoBo for you. Time to move on to a scene that recurs fairly regularly in less glamorous parts of the city.


An ordinary shoebox-sized apartment in suburban Mumbai.


Background noise. Scraping and the ruffle of feathers. A guttar-goo that’s suspiciously close by. Stealthy human footsteps.


A sudden explosion of noise. Falling furniture. Flying pigeon, followed by flying books, newspapers etc, followed by an outstretched broom. And the outstretched broom has a screaming, cussing Zahra attached to the handle.


Despite her blinding fury, Zahra manages a valiant swipe at the offending creature. A bottle of water falls down, valiant victim to the valiant swipe. Idiot bird keeps trying to fly out of a closed window despite a clear path to the open one next to it.


Now comes the part that Zahra REALLY has a problem with.


Dumb pigeon perches on the curtain rod and lets loose. And I mean LOOSE.


Like, how on earth can such a small creature produce so much SHIT??!?!?!? Having fulfilled his vile agenda, the $%$#%& bird finally figures out that a window is open, and flies out. Bravo.


Can’t believe they trusted these creatures with messages in the World Wars….. but back to the ish-tory. Bewildered suburban pedestrians stare in surprise as a wild haired, wild eyed, screeching (but ..ahem…amazingly gorgeous) woman, sticks her head out of the window, brandishes a broom and yells…

“Miserable creature, may you DIE of constipation!!!!!!!”



Deafening, shocked silence.



“Aww, c’mon yaar, my aloo ki subzi wasn’t that bad.”


That’s the roomie who’s just come in. Zahra gives her a baleful look and gets back to yelling outta the window (still looking amazing btw…cough, cough!!)


That’s pigeons for you. I mean, seriously, the world would be a nicer place if these (and other) avians had no excretory systems at all. Or excretory outlets. Whatever.


Btw, before I forget… let’s have a round of applause for the exquisite Ms. Sonam Kapoor. Rumour hath it that she’s a serious candidate for Best Supporting Actress post Delhi-6.


What? You don’t know why??


Remember the masakali-matakali routine with the kabutar supported on her head??


“Zahra, your PJs………….. Grrrrrr!!!”


Uh-oh. That’s the roomie coming after me with the broom.


Time to run fo…thwack…OUCH!!!