Louw..sorry, Love in the time of coconuts

Cast:

Chacko - The hero of this story. Typical hotblooded, virile, daredevil Mallu achayan. Complete with curly mop of hair and Sathyan-style moustache. The type that Mammootty and his ilk modelled their later portrayals of the species on.
Rosakutty - The heroine. Typical doe-eyed, nubile Mallu beauty. Like yourstruly ;-P
Appachen - Rosakutty's father. Otherwise an upright, well-liked and respected member of society, but circumstances compel him to become the villain of this piece.
Ammachy - Rosakutty's mother. A placid, gentle lady who shows a violent side only if her Syrian Beef Fry is not devoured with appropriate relish and gusto. (Btw, the recipe is a family secret. Her vallyappachen decreed it so, after being bribed with three bottles of toddy by the then Health Minister of Kerala, who was also his son. The state's mortality rate fell the very next month.)
Assorted brothers of Rosakutty's, collectively referred to as the achayans.

*Translations and close approximations have been provided in italics alongside. Wherever it is not available, dear reader, thou shalt use thy imagination.

Scene One:

Chacko adjusted his crisp white mundu a tad nervously. The church compound was already empty. Mallu X’ians don’t waste time getting back to their appams and kozhi curries on a Sunday. He took a look at his Timex, a gift from Babu-chayan in Dubai. Just another ten minutes and the kapiyaar would be back to lock the church and the compound gates. Good thing that Chacko had decided to do his confession just before the kurbana. His confessions always left Achen slightly dazed and in need of a reviving tumbler of toddy post-church. Pro’lly counselling too. Which explained why the kapiyaar had vanished. But where was Rosakutty?

And then he saw her, dressed in pristine churchgoer white and demurely walking towards him. What a lovely sight. His Rosakutty. With the coconut trees swaying in the background, beneath an azure blue sky. Chackochan’s heart filled with a thousand exclamations of raw emotion……. Lal Salaam… no..... Inquilab Zindabad…errr, never mind. Firmly suppressing the raw emotion and exclamations, he walked towards her.

Chacko: Nee vannallo. (You've come!)I thought you’d finally given in to your Appachen.

Rosakutty: Illa achaya…..I couldn’t get rid of Sicily and her friends.

Chacko: Appo… paranjathupole….(W.r.t. our discussion of the 18th last...) We elope tonight!
(Another raw exclamation fought it’s way to the surface, but our hero stifled it just in time. You never know. Could also be the stale puttu-kadalacurry from last night)

Rosakutty: Pakshe achaya… enikku pediyaakunnu…(But... I'm scared)

Chacko: Don’t be afraid….njan ille nintekoode (Main hoon na!!Author’s note: Now you know where SRK maaroed that dialogue from!!)

Rosakutty: (Gulp…That’s what my Appachen’s scared of too) Njan varaam (I’ll come)

Chacko: Innu raathri (tonight)…. Sharp 9 p.m. (another look at the Timex). Ten hours from now!

They part ways.

Scene Two:

That night at Rosakutty’s house. 8:55 p.m. by Chackochan’s Timex as he lies in wait outside.

Appachen: Edeeee Rosakutteeeee……. Njaan arinjadi!!!(I've found out!!) You’re planning to run away tonight with that lowlife scoundrel Chacko!!!
(Note: Appachen’s voice here bears striking similarities to a wounded buffalo)

Chacko: (Hiding outside and under his breath) Aiiyyooo…..chathicho Daivame!! (Equivalent of “Dammitttt!!”)

Rosakutty: (Inside with a wide eyed and innocent look) Illa Appacha….. I never met Chacko even once after you forbade me.......

Appachen: (Bellows) KALLAMMMM!!!! (LIIIIESSSSS!!!)I have my sources. Varkey saw you two talking today…. And he found out that Chacko’s hired a taxi for Madras too!!
I’ll show him, the impudent young dog!! Eda Mathaiiii!!! Royyyyy!!! Vargheeeeeese!!! Daniii-YELLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!

(Four younger versions of Appachen come bounding out of different parts of the house. Of course, they’re better known as Baiju, Binju, Benny and Binu. But Mallu fathers insist on doing full justice to Christian names when they’re furious.)

Chacko: #@$%$)((#!!!! (Loosely translated as “Beeeeeeeepppp!”)

Appachen: (Reaches for the hunting rifles on the wall behind him and slings a couple of them to his sons) We won’t come back till one of our bullets find their way into him!! Vaa makkale!!!!
(Stomps out in a rage, followed by the achayans)

Rosakutty : (In tears) Appachaaaa!!! (Daddeeeee!!!)

Ammachy: (In tears) Ente karthaave!! (My Goddddd!!)

A faint 'bonk' is heard outside.

Chacko: (In pain AND tears) ENTAMMACHEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! (MUMMMEEEEEEE!!!!)

Chackochan’s exclamation in the previous line could have given the aforesaid wounded buffalo a run for its money. While playing the faithful lover waiting for Rosakutty, he ignored one of the fundamental rules of ancient Mallu guerrilla warfare:
Sec 27(6)(aa): Thou shalt hide from the enemy if thou hast to but not under a coconut tree. Especially not on a night of balmy breezes under a tree loaded with the stuff. And most certainly not after thou hast downed two pegs thyself.

The warfare code was found inscribed on the walls while excavating the ruins of an ancient kallu-shaap (liquor shop) from circa 300 B.C. The rules seem to have been addressed to an unidentified Mone Dinesha.


Ammachy: Idhiyaanodu njan paranjatha (I-told-him-so)…. We should’ve called Kuttappan to do something about those coconuts last week itself.

Appachen: (From outside) Pidiyada avane!!!! (Catch hiiiiiim!!!!)

The sound of running feet, rustling bushes and a stray gunshot. The yelp that follows the shot, unfortunately for Danielachayan, comes from the neighbour's doberman, Bruno.

Reader: (In a moment of raw emotion) Inquilab Zindabaaaaaaad!!!

Me: Amen. Lal Salaam.

;-D