Before the ink dries

Paul is dead.

The psycho psychic octopus silly..... I'm not grieving a dead love or something.

And in case you'd like to refresh your memory, here he is.

The hype and hoopla surrounding this particular cephalopod was understandable..... after all, what are the odds of getting an entire series of game winners right, time and again?

What got me to post today was something else, though.....

True to form, the media has played up the 'tragic passing' bit ..... But as far as I know, the Malayala Manorama is the only paper to devote 25% of the front page to it!

Am too busy thanking God though.....

....last I heard, there wasn't anything about Paul's 'Malayali connection' in that article.

For the uninitiated, the Malayala Manorama's made a fine art of digging into a celebrity's past and coming up with the sole recorded (E.g.: In Timbuktu, in 1878....) instance of his/her passing within a kilometer of a Mallu. And if there were any head nods or hi-hello's, things automatically progress to deep and long relationship with Kerala status. You can imagine how it takes on a soul-connection twist if there's some back-slapping involved.

And as far as I can remember, Osama (yep, him of the bomb-slinging, cave video-making fame) is the only other living being of global repute to escape the net.

As for Paul, there's still time.

Time enough to dig out a Joji/Kader/Biju who took care of/ cradled in his arms/nearly fried/wept for Paul.

I'll be watching that front page.

Enna Koduma Saar Ithu?!?!?!

I’m a coupla months into the new job now, and all’s well so far. Please note that the operative phrase is ‘so far’. :) And the next time someone asks you, it IS true..... Switching to classroom mode is near impossible after you’ve gotten used to an office routine.

Yours truly finds her head swaying dangerously within twenty minutes of starting a class, like she’s a teetering coconut tree/pissed drunk/a hired cabaret dancer/whatever….Zzzz!!

No, that wasn’t supposed to make sense.

The net result is that my similarly fresh-in-the-system colleagues get some free entertainment at my expense. They think that my eyeballs drifting in opposite directions are a treat to behold. Well, I guess you gotta keep yourself entertained when there isn’t one remotely cute guy in the vicinity.

Change that to ‘one guy on the right side of forty’.

Gloom. :'((

Anyway, this post is to commemorate the fact that I’ll always find a proverbial haddi in the kabab platter that I call my professional life.

The haddi in this case is a trainer who periodically saddles bestows his excruciating self on an unsuspecting batch. Dude’s a doctorate holder in Management who, quite interestingly, treats MBAs like the scum of the earth. The cherry on top is that he also can’t stand private commercial banks and everything they stand for.... that should give you a good idea of where I stand in his version of the professional food chain. ;P

The only definite ‘learning’ I can boast of after his sessions is that I’ve indefinitely postponed all plans of entering the academic side of management. I swear I haven’t come across a more pompous know-all. All of us are secure in the knowledge that nothing we can ever say or do is correct or astounding enough for his liking.

Add to that the fact that his name sounds almost exactly like popular lingo for the posterior.

Cackle, cackle!!!>;-D

Note: Despite the jibes this IS a lament of sorts.

FYI, the Zahra Code of Conduct is explicitly against ridiculing accents and poor grammar, but the rules were amended recently to exempt bombastic profs who pretend to know everything and massacre the language too.

Aadiyo-vishwal taarchur yat its best-eye-sayyy....

Here’s a sampler…. Read aloud for maximum effect.

Prof: Yinn dhee kaanteksht aaff this try-ning, yoo are yekspected to no dhee sigh-nergeezz aaff bizznuss praacess.....

Zahra: Eh?? Vaat-yoo aar saiyying-eye-say....

Prof: ....Akkaarding tuyoo, vaat dhees sigh-nergee eess?

Colleague: (Fairly coherent answer)

Prof: Oooaahh…..vyyy yoowall aar taalkingg lik-eh vanilla yumbeeyaayys?? Yinn yuwar carriers (sic) widh-dhees UFO (Unidentified Financial Organization) yoo shudd gobee yondha sir-faze aaff yish-shoes....(proceeds to repeat colleague’s points under the guise of the correct answer) ....blah blah blah.

Zahra: Hai bhagwan, main vanilla se tutti-frutti kab banoongi? :-/

Prof: Drone, drone....shaaar yuwar yuck-speriyenss with the group no? Yennydhingg yoowandoo shaar?

Zahra: Vaat....I mean...what? Err...Ummm....(How about “I’m a recovering alcoholic”?)

Note: “Yuck”-speriyenss is closer to the truth than he thinks.

Zahra: (Gas, globe and gyaan. All delivered at the speed of....well...sound.)

Well, whaddya expect??? I'm an MBA, okay??

Prof: (Gas, globe, and gyaan....to the effect that Zahra is a prime example of a useless product of a useless management education system, with a useless commercial bank ex-employer to boot....)

Zahra: Sighhhh....can’t win ‘em all y’know....

The fact that I narrowly missed being interviewed by this man is proof enough for me that there is a God AND He luuuuuuuuuuvvs me :D

The second point in favor of that claim is that my current boss is a person who’s actually got a reputation for being sane. And all that I’ve seen so far confirms it….. yeah, it’s too early to tell, but who cares?? Carpe diem, folks!!!

Interesting aside: Trainer dude keeps sporting a series of grimaces while talking....I first thought he was in physical pain, but then realized that it was an indicator of the seriousness of the topic.

On second thoughts, it could actually be a bad case of hemorrhoids.

Tricky things, these.

Prof: Dhink shtraaatejickalee....dhink lie-kku seenyur maan-age-urrrssss....bakwaas bakwaas bakwaas.....

Zahra: Yes, yes, I swear I will....but for the love of God, let us go!!

Finally, the class ends…or rather, is forcibly ended by a bunch of cranky, irritated, new recruits on various pretexts.

And so we live (barely just) to fight another day.

Not that we particularly want to.

:)

What happens when these two meet??


Some awesome conversation, a quick ooru darshanam, and a whole lotta laughs about shared quarter-life crises..... Here's an amen to many many more.

Buddy, you know who you are :)

Of Days When We Were Happy And....

Go on, say it.

If you are a product of the school syllabus of the eighties-cum-nineties like me, you would have ended that title with “…And Gay”.

Well, mentally at least.

I know most of these meanings existed long before I was born…but, aahhhh….for those innocent (well, almost) days when we chanted rhymes starring people in near-obscene states of happiness.

When fairies used to be these perfectly sweet little winged creatures that little girls and boys could believe in. And be friends with. Even want to play with.

Get your mind out of the gutter. This instant.

And faggots were meant to be gathered and burned with no question of an activist in the scene. I know some folks who’d still like to believe that, but that’s another post.

Of times when we weren’t old enough, or in my case informed enough, to burst into furtive titters while reading about Master Bates in Oliver Twist. In case you didn’t get that one, read it again…aloud.

Damn, did I tell you to say it out loud in your office cubicle? Really now…

Or when the gender opposite of ‘hen’ did not imply an anatomical reference of any sort.

When I could play badminton, and yell over the fence “Bhaiyya, can you pass that co….”…. errr, never mind. Today I have to bite my tongue by the time I reach the end of ‘shuttle’. Sigh.

When references to your pussy had nothing to do with your body and everything to do with your grouchy pet feline.

And buns were, well…. just buns y’know?

Don’t even get me started on nuts, balls, and screws.

When referring to your male colleague with the phrase “Good head....” wouldn’t need a withering glance at a giggler before continuing with "...for numbers.”

Really. It’s hard enough just trying to be nice to people.

When discussing who got the biggest ‘O’ didn’t draw any scandalized gasps from eavesdroppers. Y’see, doughnut boxes demand complete attention.

No, we weren’t comparing tha-a-at..... Yeah, I’ve heard pigs have it for much longer than humans do.

Hold it right there buddy, if you’ve got more questions of that kind, you’ve come to the wrong page.

Yeah, you heard me.

S.C.R.A.M.

Phew…..Where were we?

Oh yes, this might interest you.

My introduction to G-strings came via a stentorian middle-aged schoolmaster…..and nobody screamed bloody murder ‘coz the aforementioned string was on a guitar.

Guess I’m better off than a friend who was nearly lynched for casually mentioning that he was “fingering A minor” the previous night. Hmmm.

I’ve also heard choirmasters tell their singers to “Pay attention to others’ parts”. Better still, some say “Look at others’ parts”. (Wicked grin)

Seriously, the number of somethings-that-can-also-mean-something-else today makes an ordeal out of every conversation. Like, look at the ruckus Tharoor-saab kicked up with a reference of the bovine variety.

Cut to a decade from now when I (might) put my (possibly) hapless (and currently imaginary) offspring through their paces in the Queen’s language.

Kid 1: Ma, how’s this sentence? “Squirrels collect nuts for winter”.

Zahra: (Horrified) Wha…??? WHERE did you learn that??

Kid 2: Mama, Doctor-uncle asked me today if I was afraid of a prick!!

Zahra: (Hyperventilating) Ohmigod, and I thought he was a decent man....Stay calm. Breathe. Breathe. And what did you say???

Kid 2: (Proudly) I said “Of course I’m not scared!!”

Zahra: (Weakly. Very weakly.) A..a..and?

Kid 2: He gave me an injection!

I can see a very strong argument for mass sterilization and consequent blood pressure control here.

On a final note, let’s bow to the masters of double entendre....that’s John Cleese and Groucho Marx in my book.

Gotta admit, this line cracks me up every time I hear it.

“If I said you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?”

Hey, that’s what he said!!!

:D

P.S. – To all those shady souls who’ve come here after typing ….well, shady searches…… get yer kicks elsewhere!!

The E-word makes its entry

That's right, I'm finally....

...Employed.

:)

Hurrah, yee-ha, and yippie-ay-yay to that.

I don't have to join for another month, so that gives me 30 days of pure, unadulterated goof-off time. Like I didn't have enough already. Just that this time I can lounge around with an easy conscience.

Now doesn't that feel good or what??

It was quite a wait while I was at it, but worth it all in the end. Despite the false alarms, near-misses, and HR botch-ups, I finally have the kind of profile I was looking for, in the city I want to be in.

It doesn't take much to make this girl happy, people.

And to you all Pollyannas out there who thought that the aforementioned 'E-word' was 'engaged' or its variant; Be very, very scared. It's hard enough chasing off all those eminently unsuitable specimens of manhood that are thrown at me these days.

In the meantime..... ta-ra-ta-rum-te-da-de-doo.... and a cherry on top.

Vindicated :)

A few months ago, I had put up this post which talked about a major career decision I'd made. I'd also given a pretty clear indicator of who was responsible for that choice...or rather, forced me into that choice.

The months since have not been very easy. A freelancing opportunity does give me a small yet steady cash stream, but that is no substitute for a full-time job. More importantly, it is nowhere near what I plan and hope to achieve in a career. Explaining a break like this to a prospective employer is no cakewalk. Especially since, "My boss was a jerk" as a reason does nothing to improve my chances even if it is the undiluted truth.

The sole upside is that I have reason to believe that the job quest will soon be over..... until I know for sure though, I'm gonna be keeping my fingers, toes and eyes crossed. :)

But this post wasn't meant to be about any of that.

I've had mixed reactions to the choice I made. A handful agrees with me. Most have gone on to add "bonkers" to their list of adjectives describing yours truly. There have also been folks who were kind enough to suggest that I could afford to do this since I am the spoilt only child and daughter at that of a family that's comfortably off. I use the word kind 'coz they made sure I heard those suggestions second-hand.

Such tact, such consideration...... charmed, I'm sure.

I have wondered a couple of times if I should've hung on a little longer......just for the sake of avoiding a gap on an already undistinguished CV. Interestingly, I was the first person to leave our ten-member team...... within five months of my resignation, the strength had come down to half.

Two (including yours truly) had openly stated the actual reason for leaving, and the others had made it known that the superior was the reason they looked out for alternatives. That soon became common knowledge in a 200-strong department. Now what would you expect to happen in the year-end appraisal after the team lead sets such a blistering record in less than six months?? I got to know today when I caught up with a colleague on chat.

The blithering @$$ got a promotion.

He got an effin' PROMOTION!!!

My reaction was laughter AND dismay. Did the guy have a secret 'forced attrition' target or something? Like "Sir, I have helped reduce manpower costs by driving my team insane and chasing half of them out of the organization"??? And a 50% weightage perhaps, for "Will aim to hamper productivity by yelling for no reason, calling for aimless meetings, and offloading bullcrap by the ton on any subordinate who refuses to think I'm god"???

W.r.t. those goals, I'm in a charitable mood right now...that should explain it.

I think the best phrase in modern lingo to describe my reaction can be summarized as WTF.

Strong language I know, but I think it's only fitting for a person who drove me to spew cuss words left, right, and centre within a week of starting to work for him. My bemused colleague tells me that she's rethinking her priorities now..... her idea of career progression techniques needs a complete overhaul after this y'see.

As for me.....

I'm still unemployed.

I'm still uncertain about how my future will shape up.

But I haven't felt SO DAMNED GOOD in a long, long time.

Y'see, I now know for sure that I took the right call then. Screaming bloody murder to anybody who paused for a second, and leaving the place for good. Making sure that the Dept head knew exactly why I'd quit, and telling him explicitly that being a junior is no reason to put up with narcissistic bullying.

I don't think I'd have forgiven myself if I'd stayed on, believing that the system would look after such characters, and then seen this development. The only disappointment is in some seniors who let this happen..... somehow, I'd hoped that they'd see the light. But then, I guess commercialism, careers, and corporate ladders don't work on those principles.

I know I have a lot to learn, and I'm not naive enough to think that the bad guys will always be nailed in the end. Mebbe my attitudes will also change over time.

But today, I'm happy. Happy and a wee bit satisfied too, 'coz I stood up for what I had to, and in a way, my stand's been vindicated.

And right now, that is all that matters to me.

:-)

On this day....

..well, yesterday actually, seeing that it's well past midnight..... errr, where was I???

Wait, let's have a go again at that, shall we??

It's thirteen years to the day since we came back to India for good...what a journey it was before, and what a journey it has been since.

Why thirteen? Why not ten? Or five?

I didn't have a blog then.

Zahra, you smartass.

Why not wait for the fifteen year mark?

Who knows what life holds? Really..... I can't remember ever using this line for myself, but here it is... There's no guarantee I'll be around then.

Thirteen...for starters that's precisely half a lifetime ago.

Yes, congratulations...so you've calculated my age. I'm thankful, really.... most folks think I'm a few years older.

I would like to believe that I am essentially the same person that stood on the threshold of teen-age at that time...... but the answer to that is yes and no. I hold certain views, opinions, and attitudes today that I wouldn't have thought possible for myself even two or three years ago. The thought is exhilarating and a little scary too. As far as I know, I haven't reached that stage in life where consistency is the norm than not, so maybe, just maybe, that comment was premature.

Back then, I had a very different idea of what my life would turn out to be. And today I'm nowhere near that image. Can't say I'm disappointed at how things have turned out..... but I can't help a faint shiver of disappointment either. Perhaps I'm still in love with the starry-eyed optimist I was then.

My relations with my parents have changed. Inevitable I guess. Things said in a fit of temper have a greater potential to wound now, than when the accuser was thirteen. On the flip side, dealing with each other on a one-to-one basis has its plus points. But there's no change to the sense of dismay I feel when I realize that our viewpoints on some important issues differ widely. I still haven't found a way to convey that my being accepting of more than one possibility does not mean that my fundamentals have eroded.

Therefore, I keep a part of myself locked away, neatly boxed and stowed deep inside. Telling myself that expressing my individuality's not always worth somebody else's pain. Then secretly resenting myself and them for it. And then feeling guilty as hell for even thinking that way. Then back to the slow-burn routine.

Ah, well, some battles never have an outcome do they?

Say what you will about burning bridges with abandon.... I say that can happen only when I really and truly know what I want. And that doesn't look set to happen for another thirteen years at least. :)

But there's one thing I really wish hadn't changed....something I nearly don't have the gumption to own up. I had a lot more faith in my ability to keep fighting and cock a snook at people, even when they put me down. The non-conformity is still there, but I've been having these moments when I'm almost apologetic about it..... Unthinkable. This calls for drastic action and quick.

So here we are. I don't think we have done too badly after all. Even if having the extended khandaan around has sharpened my migratory instincts of late. ;)

No comments on that one :)

Shabbat Shalom, two-day weekends and more filter kaapi to y'all.

The silver cord...

..will be severed and the golden bowl broken, the pitcher by the well shattered and the wheel by the fountain crushed.*

That each one of us will keep our appointment with the Maker is a given, and my grandfather honoured his tryst a couple of weeks ago.

Appachen was my last surviving grandparent. Since his passing I've had this growing certainty that a chapter has been firmly closed despite my efforts to resist it. A sense that one of the last links to my childhood has been severed...... A permanent change in the way I view my maternal home and surroundings. In all honesty, it's not just the loss of a person that I'm grieving, but the loss of a way of life, of stability as I knew it.

It's at times like these that you realise how much a person can dominate a home without even raising his voice or moving around much. At 83, 'sprightly' was hardly the word that I'd have used to describe Appachen, but his mind was clear, his thinking sharp, and his opinions as firm as they'd always been. I can't recall ever having entered Amma's home in Kerala without a grandparent around, so current circumstances will take some getting used to.

It's hard to walk past his room without the customary peek to see if he's awake or sleeping. I found myself pulling an extra chair into the living room the other day, despite a vacant seat...... the empty one is Appachen's armchair, y'see. I can still hear his voice when the family sings hymns for the evening prayer..... I know where he would've paused, in every line of every song that we've sung together. Hesitating a moment before starting the Lord's prayer, waiting for him to lead, as he always did. Keeping an ear cocked for the tap-pause-tap rhythm of the cane he used in his last year.

I had only known this extraordinary man as my Appachen first. The 'Matthews' of his acquaintances and peers introduced himself later. A breakaway from his agricultural roots, he had plunged into the world of business and shipping in the Middle East at a time when 'Persia' was still an exotic mystery to most Malayalees, leave alone Indians. :) Perhaps I should also mention that he was only 23 at the time.

The career took off brilliantly, and he was still seeking new frontiers at a time when most men begin to think of retirement and their twilight years. I still don't think I can fully comprehend the impact this one man has had on the livelihoods and careers of many hundreds of people; his legacy is immense. Appachen was one of the very few men I knew who openly credited a supportive and capable wife for his successes. When Ammachy died close to a decade ago, the flame dimmed and sputtered considerably. I could see that her passing had wounded him deeply, but it did register somewhere in my 16-year-old mind that a woman who could claim that kind of devotion was a rare and lucky one indeed.

You might be tempted to categorize this post as the tribute of a favourite grandchild, but I do not think that would be correct. Appachen had enough old-school chauvinism in him to make it subtly but definitely known that his grandsons gave him a little more joy than his granddaughters. :) We girls can't really complain that we lacked anything, even though I would have liked for him to be a little more demonstrative. His pride in our achievements was unbounded though..... education and a career were must-haves for boys and girls alike.

Looking back, I think the major source of my pride-tinged resentment was the fact that I never got the 'grandchild' treatment as much as his other grandkids did. Even when I was as young as ten or twelve, we did have some very mature conversations on life, peers, and family. Perhaps I should be glad that he saw it fit to treat me as an equal sometimes. But another little voice in my head insists that equals are all around, but only he could've been a grandfather to me.

Make no mistake, there was no lack of love or respect on either side. We did have our share of fun and games, as well as dorky stories that my Ammachy considered highly unsuitable for young ladies of genteel breeding :) The chorichu-malle game was my prerogative with Appachen, and many a family car ride was swept along in gales of laughter and hooting. For those of you who're wondering what I'm talking about, take any two words (a name for instance) and interchange the first syllables. The resulting phrase can range from ho-hum to hysteria-inducing stuff. Eg: Muthoot Bankers would become Bathoot Moonkers.... get it?

I told you it was crazy :D

Appachen's laughter at such times is crystal clear in my memory..... a very gravelly and deep, slightly raspy "Ha ha haaaa" followed by a silent chuckle.....and a smile that lingered long after. Strangely enough, that was the sound that came to mind when I heard the damp gravel roll across the lid of his coffin, after we'd laid him in the grave. The way he'd laughed when we teased him and Ammachy for getting married on a 14th February, all those years ago before Valentine's Day was even heard of in India.

I had mentioned a sense of stability earlier, a feeling of being moored firmly, which I now lack. When he was alive, I viewed the protection of Appachen's love for his family as being similar to what I felt for my home:

No matter which corner of the world I'm in, it is there.

I know it is strong. I believe nothing can shake it.

Once inside, I am safe.

Needless to say, I now keep trying to pull the frayed ends of that loop closer together in any way I can. There are brief moments of respite. The smile that is forced to my lips when I see the photo of me and my brothers furtively eyeing Appachen's birthday cake, while he solemnly smiles for the camera. Running my hand along the armrests of his favourite chair, where the polish has worn off from years of use. The inexplicable comfort of seeing his battered Bible and spectacles on the bedside table. The cluttered desk which makes me feel that he's just around the corner.

Which he is. Someday I'll lift that curtain and join him there.

Until then Appacha, you'll be sorely missed.

R.I.P.




*The reference is to Ecclesiastes 12:6 in the Bible, which is widely used to illustrate death in the context of Christianity. Simply put, death is viewed as a cutting of the cord that binds us to earth, allowing us to go back to our home with the Father.

Of Colours and Internal Affairs

Whoooaaaa…..23 days into the new year already???

And here I am, still not done breaking all those resolutions.. :P

There's so much happening all around, so many things that I want to pen my thoughts on..... But somehow, when I sit down in front of this screen I dunno what to choose and why. Mostly because it’s just a passing thought or thoughts in clusters of 2 and 3.... enough to trigger the typing itch, yet not enough to justify an entire post. And for the record, no, I really haven't bought into 'tweeting'...not just yet. :) Simply 'coz I can't imagine who would be interested in my limited-character take on life, events and everything else in between.

Am still enjoying the feeling of being home, with a job hunt on in full swing. Granted, I don’t exactly have too many recruiters beating my door down with offers but I believe things will work out in their own time. And did I tell ya, writing’s helping me look after cashflow needs?? :)

Yep, that’s right…found a few freelance biz writing assignments on the net that needed doing and it’s going along nicely as of now. Would love to earn a living off this full time, but I think it would be a good idea to stick to more ordered jobs with some security for a little longer.

Late December’09 saw the only instance of Zahra giggling at an attempted act of terror. True, I wouldn’t have done that if the guy had actually got away with it, but honestly, a Chaddi-bomber????

GIMME. A. BREAK.

I’ve heard of lingerie that will knock your socks off, but this is the limit.

WTF are these demented lunatics thinking of?? I mean, the bloke’s only (or chief) incentive is the promise of jannat and 72 dark-eyed virgins. (Note: Ex-colleagues tell me that’s waayyyy better than what they can expect in this year’s bonus review...hmmmm) Assuming the bomb actually did its job, he would’ve been greeted by 72 dark eyed AND extremely disappointed virgins. Raw deal, if you ask me.

Oops.

Pun. :-*)

Teeheehee.

But then, it looked like everybody and their aunt was airing their lingerie closets, so one Nigerian and his chaddi became hapless victims of public amnesia. Pardon me for the political incorrectness but I thought the whole bra colour campaign on FB was a hoot. So.....what next? Posting the colour of your Speedo to spread awareness about prostate cancer?

Seriously ladies, how am I gonna help the cause of breast cancer awareness by posting the colour of my bra on a public domain??? Not to mention the possibility of some dude coming along and clicking “Like” against my post. :-S

Jeepers.

Let’s not confuse ‘supporting a cause’ with…err…just ‘support’, sistahs. So far, I’ve seen the whole gamut from white, black etc etc to ‘nothing’ as well (honest gal there!) but interestingly nothing that says “Shell-beige with rose scallop trim” or something like that. Oh well, I thought we lived in an adventurous age. All said and done, if it got women thinking about a very pertinent issue, fair enough.

Btw Dionysus I fling my chappals at your head for your comment on this topic on FB :-P

On a more serious note, those FB posts made me pause a moment and consider my good fortune in just being able to wear one of those contraptions. :) Seriously. I have not experienced cancer first-hand or second-hand and hope I never have to, but I realize how deeply this part of the anatomy is linked to my very concept of Zahra the individual…to my femininity itself. The way it is for many women.

May all those envious glances at Victoria’s Secret catalogues be untouched by sorrow.

In the meantime, come terror, cancer, hail or high water, always remember what your mamma told you:

Semper ubi sub ubi

Err…Clean ones, please.